by Joelle A. Perez
When I attend various networking events, or if I am meeting a person for the first time and sharing with them what I do for a living, I often speak about divorce mediation in terms of it being a more holistic approach to divorce. We often hear the term holistic used in medicine. So what does this really mean when used to characterize a divorce process?
If you Google holistic, you will find the following definition: “characterized by the treatment of the whole person, taking into account mental and social factors, rather than just physical symptoms of the disease.”
I think of divorce mediation as a holistic approach because its focus is not only on the termination of the marriage. Rather, it focuses on the entire family and the continued relationship of the parties of a divorce (especially where children are involved), how to best prepare the parties to anticipate future events that may occur after the divorce is finalized, and to overall provide the parties with a framework for moving forward with their lives.
The divorce mediator has many roles. As mediators, we must have a good understanding of the law to provide our clients with helpful information; we must be able to wrap our brains around the parties’ financial circumstances (or know when to bring in an expert to assist); and we must help our clients navigate the murky waters of co-parenting, among other things. We do this by providing an emotionally safe and supportive environment that fosters negotiation and eventually ends with an agreement and a settlement of the disputes. While doing this work, we also keep in mind that oftentimes we may need to refer our clients to independent legal counsel, financial advisers, therapists and other professionals in order to see that all of our clients’ needs are being met.
Some of what we do focuses on fact finding, such as completing financial budgets to better understand the future financial needs of the parties. We also gain a full understanding of the parents’ desires when it comes to parenting time and decision making for their children, and help them put together a plan that works for the entire family and that anticipates changes as the children get older. We explore the living arrangement options and discuss the implications of those options, including keeping or selling the marital home. The list goes on and on.
My point is, we, as mediators, are not just in this to reach an end result—i.e., terminating the marriage, or focusing on the “physical symptoms,” if you will. We are in this to help the parties focus on moving forward and to provide them with information so that they can make the best decisions for their family and for themselves. We do this by looking at the family as a whole (not at what is just best for one or the other) and providing them with the tools to handle changing circumstances, to rebuild their lives, and to move forward in the most positive way possible.
Joelle A. Perez is an attorney and divorce mediator at Peacemaker Divorce Mediation, with offices in Huntington and Melville. For more information, visit PeaceMakerdm.com.
