Kelly & Kevin
“Seventy-five to 80 percent of all chemistry evaporates within six to eight months.”
Uh-oh! Both my parents and in-laws have been married so long that if the above statement is true, their “chemistry” would have evaporated roughly 60 years ago. Yet, both couples remain happily married to this day! How have each of their relationships lasted so long? I often wonder. They are very different couples with very different relationships, yet both marriages have stood the test of time. How? The answer came to me when reading a quote by eHarmony co-founder Neil Clark Warren in this month’s feature article, “Happily Coupled,” on page 36. “Seventy-five to 80 percent of all chemistry evaporates within six to eight months”—and here is the kicker—“unless the relationship is significantly undergirded by deeper and more durable compatibility.” Could it be that simple? Really? That’s it, the relationships are founded on deep compatibility?
The article goes further to explain that relationships not founded on compat- ibility, quite frankly, can’t stand the test of time. So, in essence, time can truly be the enemy of most relationships! I’ll be honest, I am not surprised; time is tough. Something that causes wrinkles, saggy boobs and slows our metabolism is, in my opinion, a real bitch! But time has its good features, too; it allows for healing, change, understanding, reflection and growth. If chemistry is a simple 20-page fairy tale, then compatibility is more like a thousand-page novel; those pages representing the passage of time. Both fairy tales and novels are wonderful in their own ways. Successful relationships need to be both.
This talk of time makes me miss the 20-year-old me. She had no fear; she had endless energy; and … yup, you guessed it, she had GREAT boobs! I imagine sometimes my husband misses her, too. And not just her boobs. Forty-year-old me can sometimes be a hot mess, forgetting to breathe during her son’s wrestling match or daughter’s gymnastics routine; snapping at her children when she is on
a work call; and some days too tired and stressed to remember to kiss her husband good night. Forty-year-old us is not 20-year-old us. That’s okay, because my 40-year-old husband is not his 20-year-old-self either (hello, hair loss). Yet, we have gone through time simultaneously, 26 years in total, and have had more ups than downs; but, yes, downs. Sometimes the way to plow through the downs is just doing that: Plow through and never give up on one another’s aging self.
I believe marriage is good for your heart (see Health Brief on page 16), and that if you are in a relationship that may be facing compatibility (or chemistry) issues, before making the leap to the latest fad of “conscious uncoupling,” how about using time to help the relationship? Spend some time with one another and rediscover those areas of compatibility you had when you first met. What made you both laugh 20 years ago probably still makes you laugh now, even with all your “evolution.”
Compatibility is simply the match that lights the flame of chemistry between two souls evolving through time together. Don’t believe me? Go back, examine your relationship, talk about the things you have in common (besides the kids!), laugh at what makes you so compatible, and then … like magic … voila … “chemistry.”
Malama Pono!
