by Elinka Boyle-Rosenbaum
Typically, people do not get married with the intent to one day get
divorced; however, a large percentage of marriages end in divorce nevertheless, many of which include children. Although divorce is considered the legal ending of a marriage between two adults, it inherently involves the whole family. Oftentimes, the divorcing couple have already discussed their marital problems with their peers or parents in order to obtain help, guidance or approval of their actions. So when a separation is underway, those people have knowledge and an understanding of how the couple came to arrive at divorce.
Children, however, tend to be in a unique position. There is no doubt that the separating couple have put some thought into how their divorce will impact their children or, most commonly, who will get custody. But these little people, who were only brought into their circumstances by the decisions their adult caretakers made, did not have an active role in their parents’ separation, nor did they get an inside perspective that friends or family did when leading up to the split. Yet, many of them bear witness to the demise of their parents’ marriage in a more intimate and emotional way.
Divorce tends to follow many years of dysfunction. Arguments, financial difficulties, infidelity, emotional disconnect and more can all be contributing factors. Whatever the causes, the divorcing couple have finally decided that their problems are too numerous or too great to overcome and that the difficult task of severing their relationship is necessary. In many ways, this choice to end something bad and begin anew, although intended to be a step in a positive direction, can begin a new, difficult emotional journey for the separating couple. Not to mention, a whole checklist of logistical items that must be considered, such as marital assets, finances, spousal support, property and custody of the children.
Hopefully, the separating parents can put aside their own stressors, fears and grief (yes, one is permitted to grieve the ending of a bad marriage) and place the children first during this transition.
Numerous studies show that a child’s failure to emotionally survive a couple’s breakup has more to do with their parents own poor behavior and not the actual breakup itself. The common understanding is that the more adversarial and dysfunctional the separating couple are, the more difficult it is for the children to adjust emotionally following the breakup. In a nutshell, the grown-ups have to behave in a grown-up fashion. During a separation is not the time to play games, whether legal, financial or emotional. The child should not be a weapon in an arsenal to be used against the ex-spouse. The child should not be a messenger to be used should the couple have communication problems. The child, no matter the age, should not be an emotional crutch or “friend” to help one or both of his/her parents through the divorce. Children have their own needs and issues, which require thoughtful care and attention during this transition and well after a divorce is finalized.
Here are a few things for parents to consider in order to help their children negotiate these emotional waters:
– Consider a mediated divorce. Divorce tends to conjure a sense of opposition or, at the very least, a putting up of defenses so one is not “raked over the coals.” It has become synonymous with costly and lengthy legal battles. But with a mediated divorce, the separating couple meets with a neutral mediator that listens to both sides. A good mediator will identify the emotional roadblocks and work through the important issues until an agreement satisfactory to both parties is reached; then that agreement is formally filed with the court so a divorce can be granted. Cory Rosenbaum, of Modern Divorce Law (ModernDivorceLaw.com), in Long Island and the five boroughs, who has experience with both mediation and contested divorce, advocates for mediation, as it “fosters cooperation with regard to the children, allowing both parties to feel that they are fully able to participate in being a parent as life moves on. It allows the parents to structure their time and involvement in their children’s lives in a way that fits the family rather than adhering to a structure imposed by a court. Mediation also helps kids by simply lowering the animosity.” Another benefit of mediation is that it allows participants to avoid lawyers being appointed for their children. “If you think working with your soon-to-be ex-spouse is tough and working with lawyers is difficult, try dealing with a lawyer assigned to your child,” cautions Rosenbaum. “All of a sudden, there is a nonparent, nonrelative, involved in your children’s lives that doesn’t understand your family’s needs. Mediation also avoids the risk of a court appointing a forensic psychologist or therapist. If you are in Nassau or Suffolk counties and you litigate custody or visitation issues, a judge you do not know will appoint a lawyer you do not know to represent your kids.”
Be a role model. Conflict is unavoidable in life. Children will learn this soon enough if they haven’t already witnessed it firsthand during the marriage. What is most important for children’s development is to see resolution. Show them that not only could an agreement be reached but that it was reached with respect, dignity and care.
Move on and stop the drama. A child sees what his/her parents focus on and translates that into what the child thinks he/she should focus on. If the divorcing couple expend all their energy on the separation or obsess over the relationship or minutiae afterward, the child will get the message that the breakup is important enough for the child to obsess over as well. If parents want their children to adjust to the changes made, then parents must too.
Allow the child to love the soon-to-be ex-spouse, his/her extended family and even his/her new significant other, if there is one, and be loved in return. People often start out as best friends when getting married but can rarely call themselves that at the end of a divorce. Whatever differences came between a child’s parents, a child will typically still love them just the same. A parent shouldn’t make the child feel guilty for loving the other parent. There may not be a speck of love or affection between a separating couple, but one thing is for sure, a child needs to be loved during this time more than ever. Parents need to allow the child to be surrounded by people that love the child, whether they are the other parent’s family or his/her new significant other.
Consider therapy before divorce, during and after. Therapists can help a couple before the separation with how best to tell the child and the family. They can offer strategies for the child on how to talk about it with friends, classmates and family afterward. It’s important the separating couple is on the same page when it comes to their child’s well-being, and a therapist can assist them in that endeavor. A child’s feelings throughout the process should be validated, not ignored or discounted, regardless of what may be happening legally or in the “adult experience.” A professional can ensure that the child’s feelings are acknowledged and progress in a healthy manner.
Regardless of whether divorce was by choice or not, it is a life-changing event that doesn’t have to be life-ending for the divorcing couple or their children. By putting aside negative feelings or preconceived notions and placing children first in the equation (not last and certainly not in the middle), parents can start on the road to healing and happiness for themselves and their most important marital asset—their children.
Elinka Boyle-Rosenbaum is a Natural Awakenings Long Island staff writer, progressive school mom and active gardener.
