In the most amicable and the most contested divorces, it is important to plan ahead for future disagreements. If you want to try to avoid court in the future, make sure that there is a mechanism for handling disputes in the years to come.
In our mediation agreements and in the divorces we litigate, we always try to convince the people to plan for future disagreements.
If you are like most people, you are thinking about divorcing or are divorcing because you don’t get along with your spouse, you and your spouse see life differently, or you and your spouse want different things out of life—you have different priorities.
The differences you have with your spouse in many ways will become irrelevant when you separate, but others may become amplified. For example, issues with the kids don’t end with your divorce. Issues regarding the children not only continue, but since you and your ex are no longer together on a daily basis, the influence you have on your ex is less. Also, if you or your ex now has another partner that sees life similarly to your ex, his or her position on issues is likely to be reinforced whether you agree with them or not.
Issues that commonly arise after divorce pertain to disciplining the children, such as academic and extracurricular activities, amount of time on video games, and even the children’s diet: How much ice cream is too much? More significant issues might pertain to when new partners may be introduced to the children or what role the new partners may have regarding the children. May a boyfriend or stepdad discipline your child? May a girlfriend or stepmom take your daughter for a haircut or attend school functions?
l functions? We always recommend that the divorcing parents agree to try to resolve issues themselves, and, if they cannot, to seek the opinion of a third party. When it comes to issues regarding children, we suggest that the parties be required to seek the opinion of a child psychologist before going to court. We do not suggest that the parties be bound to the child psychologist’s opinion, but simply that an opinion be obtained. Hopefully, after the opinion is obtained, a resolution can be worked out.
If there are financial or other issues that need to be resolved—for example, when to sell the marital home or when to lower the price if the house is not selling—the divorcing parties can agree to use a real estate broker or simply to seek the opinion of an appropriate professional before heading to court.
The goal of a divorce mediator or divorce lawyer should not only, in my opinion, be to reach fair agreements but also to try to prevent court in the future.
