“A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.”—Dorothy Fisher
Have you seen the World’s Toughest Job Interview YouTube video? An ad agency posted a classified ad for a job dubbed “operations manager,” then conducted interviews via Skype and recorded the candidates’ reactions to some truly inane job requirements.
“If you had a life, we’d ask you to … sort of give that life up,” the interviewer tells applicants. “No vacations. In fact, on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s—all holidays—the workload is going to go up, and we demand that.”
The interviewer continues with a litany of requirements, including, “You are required to work standing up most or all of the time”; “24 hours a day, no breaks”; “It would be excellent if you held a degree in medicine, finance and culinary arts”; “May need to stay up with your client throughout the night”; “Oh, and No Pay!” Reaction from the interviewees is priceless: “Is that even legal?”; “That sounds twisted”; “Inhumane.”
The end of the video reveals the job is really the job description for a the 21st century mother. The mother that sacrifices her own needs and desires (and in my own case, often my sanity)—juggling the demands of family in the role of mother. The mother that feels it is a badge of honor to give herself no breaks. The mother that, thanks to Google, knows the answers to all problems, including, but not limited to, treating lice, eating disorders, bullying and ear infections. We know everything; we give them everything; they are our everything; and perhaps subconsciously we want to be their everything.
I was raised, along with four sisters, in the 1970s, and my own mother, whom I know loves me very much, NEVER sacrificed something of her own to prove her love for me. My friends reading this know I hit sleep away camp at age 6, and before that camp bus started its engine my parents were on a flight to an exotic locale. My mother knew I was safe and happy, and armed with that knowledge, she focused on the other roles in her life. My mother was content, and she taught me that my own happiness was my responsibility.
That’s a very profound lesson to learn: That happiness is from within and not something a mother, father, sister or lover should have to (nor really can) create for you.
So, then why do I feel irrational guilt when I leave my own kids? Why do I feel bad if I can’t buy them the same things that their friends have? And why am I often accused of being a “hover mother”? I am known to follow my children in the car, from an undetectable distance, of course, as they embark on their “solo” bike rides or “solo” walks to friends’ houses in another neighborhood.
Natural Awakenings had the great honor to speak to Gabrielle Reece, former pro volleyball player, business owner, author, model and, yes, mother. Her approach to the role is refreshing. My mother and Reece both seem to promote being the kind of mother that is not leaned on by their children but one that makes leaning unnecessary
I am reminded while reading “Volleying Life” (see page 36) that I survived the parenting of the ‘70s. I daresay I thrived because of my mother’s parenting style.
So, my gift to myself this Mother’s Day is to start making a better effort to parent the way I was parented—in a less sacrificial and less martyr-style manner.
Hopefully, I will be successful; but in the event you see a woman in a gray minivan slowly trailing a cute 13-year-old boy on his bike or a darling 10-year-old girl and her dog, please, no need to call the cops … It’s just me, their 21st century mother.
Malama Pono! Kelly Martinsen, Publisher
