In last month’s column, we discussed keeping your children’s new family intact and maintaining an “open door policy” in the child’s home. If you missed the article, an open door policy means that anyone and everyone that is important to your child can come to his or her home, including your ex-spouse, his/her significant other, their kids, cousins, paternal and maternal grandparents, aunts and uncles—everyone that is important to your kids and is not harmful to them, whether you like them or not.
As I have seen, there are obstacles to a true open door policy.
The first obstacle is truly welcoming your child’s entire family into your home. This includes your ex-mother-in-law whom you may be happy not to have around anymore, your ex-spouse that may have hurt you, aunts and uncles that went to one side or the other, and even people that may have said unkind things about you or your choices in life.
Another obstacle is getting some people to use the open door policy. What do you do if your child’s dad, paternal grandparents or uncles or aunts refuse every invitation to the house? While I invite all readers to email me with suggestions ([email protected]), I think that you keep inviting your child’s family over…you keep the door open. Emails and text messages are great ways to invite people over who may be hesitant or uncomfortable with the invitation. They can choose to read your correspondence when they want to read it, and also choose to respond to it when they want to respond.
I am a firm believer that you need to always be truthful with your kids, especially with children whose parents are divorced or separated. So, with your open door policy, be truthful. I think that in order for your children to know that the home is theirs, they need to know that dad, mom, granny and uncle—whomever— are all always welcome. Let the children know that they can invite any and all of their family members over to their house. It’s their home.
There is an argument to be made for limiting how much your child knows about the invitations that have been rejected or ignored. You should always be truthful, but you need to decide what the child needs to know and what is best left unknown. Do you need to let your child know that their aunt has been invited more than 12 times and never called back? This, I believe, is a tough decision and must be based upon what you perceive your child needs to hear and what he or she does not. Sorry folks, I do not have all the answers.
However, I can tell you that if you think about what is best for your kid, you will usually do the right thing. You will make mistakes, but know in your heart that you are doing the best you can, and the children will know that as well.
Cory Rosenbaum. Rosenbaum & Sanders, LLP, has offices located in NYC, Nassau and Suffolk. For more information or to schedule a consultation, call 212-732-7922, visit RosenbaumSanders.com or visit PreDivorceLaw.com
